Cake … The Most Destructive Technology in Today’s World (Oh Yeah, and Social Media Too)
Cake is dividing America.
(kind of like social media)
To save America, we must all quit cake.
Bakers need to speak out against these divisive confections much like Sean Parker did with Facebook. After making his fortune, the ex-Facebook president bravely spoke out against the social media giant.
Bakers have made their fortunes too. Now’s the time for bakers everywhere to slide down their huge money piles and speak out against cake. Because much like social media, cake is fueling today’s national divide.
Snowball Cake Sounds Like SCOTUS Case
Without cake, there’s no controversy in the recent Supreme Court case, Masterpiece Cake Shop vs. Colorado Civil Rights Commission (“cake” is literally in the case name!). Cake is to blame for this contentious lawsuit, for the division it created around religious freedom and discrimination.
And don’t blame the people … oh no, no, no!!! It’s the cake, not the cake users (baker or buyer), that pitted right against left. All this legal loathing had nothing to do with politics or intolerance or disrespect or lack of civility. Instead, it all boiled down (er, I mean “baked down”) to 2 large eggs, ½ cup butter, 2 cups flour, and a teaspoon of vanilla.
The devil isn’t in the details.
The devil’s in the recipe.
Add 1 Teaspoon of Toxicity For A Moister Cake
Let’s turn to social media for another comparison. Recently, the New York Times published an article titled “Why I need to pull back from Twitter,” with the subheading “The viciousness, toxic partisan anger and intellectual dishonesty are at all-time highs.” This dire warning is easily applicable to cake, meaning we all need to pull back from the evils of angel food and the darkness of devil’s food. Cake — like its distant cousin social media — is to blame for America’s “viciousness, toxic partisan anger and intellectual dishonesty.”
But let’s not blame our neighbors, our friends, our co-workers, our tempers, ourselves. History shows that Americans, for the most part, have been cordial, understanding, thoughtful people. Sure, there’ve been a few blips:
Federalists (Hamilton) vs. Republicans (Jefferson), Abolitionists vs. Racists, Suffragists vs. Misogynists, Hawks vs. Doves, Pro-Lifers vs. Pro-Choicers, Protestants vs. Catholics, Hunters vs. PETA, Pro-Gun vs. Gun Control, Confederates vs. Unionists, Donald Trump vs. Rosie O’Donnell, IRS vs. Taxpayers, Liberals vs. Conservatives, Red Sox vs. Yankees, Establishment vs. Anti-Establishment, Apple vs. Microsoft, Dogs vs. Cats, Unions vs. Corporations, Christians vs. Atheists, Prohibitionists vs. Moonshiners …
See … just a few blips.
These historical hiccups are all highly irrelevant to today’s American vs. American. To find the true source of today’s division, just follow your nose to the warm, sweet, diabolical aroma of cake.
(oh yeah, and that social media thing too).
Let’s Blame Hi-Tech Frosting
The problem with cake is technology. As cake tech advances (e.g., increased fondant elasticity, nano-sprinkles engineering, virtual reality frosting), the divide between people grows larger and larger. Consider how the wealthy flaunt their $1500 3D cakes, while the middle/lower classes suffer the bitter taste of a $15 Walmart cake (Batman or Minion themed).
Today’s cake tech pits child against child, setting the stage for a widening gap in America. Imagine the lucky 10-year-old who serves a Cake Boss cake to her party guests. She’s on easy street to becoming the next Beyonce, who served a $3500 cake at her 36th birthday party.
And now imagine the unlucky child who serves Target cupcakes — stale and dry — to his party guests. This child’s path is set — a life of backwoods, anti-government, survivalist militia-ism.
Curse you cake!
(and you too Twitter!)
Mankind’s Pre-Cake Eden
So much animosity, so much venom, so much mudslinging … and all because of the dark epoch of cake. Examining history through a non-cake lens, we see that human beings were once really, really nice, really, really sweet, really, really cordial.
Oh how we long for simpler days before cake screwed everyone up.
We miss the kinder characters of ancient history, like the lovable Caligula who said “I don’t care if they respect me, so long as they fear me.”
Or that ball of sunshine Thomas Jefferson. You can’t help but get the warm fuzzies thinking about his quote (and gardening tip), “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”
Or that adorable rebel and Reign of Terror participant Robespierre, who once said, “To punish the oppressors of humanity is clemency; to forgive them is cruelty.”
So you see, mankind was all hugs and kisses until 2004, the year cake began pitting brother against brother (also the year Facebook was invented). Before then, everyone was best friends, and nobody spoke a harsh word.
You’re Yoking, Right?
But maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe … just maybe … cake is sweeter than my bitter assessment.
Maybe cake isn’t to blame for today’s social fury.
Maybe it’s the people controlling the stoves, the people licking frosting off their plates. Not the cake, but those who like to burn things, who like to gorge things, who like to argue, who like to belittle. Not those with an appetite for bakery goods but those with an appetite for raging words.
Maybe — like social media — it’s not the medium but those shaping the medium.
Art, for centuries, has been both shocking and polarizing … consider “One Nation Under Socialism” by Jon McNaughton. Even though McNaughton’s art is divisive, nobody accuses the paint or the canvas of creating “viciousness, toxic partisan anger and intellectual dishonesty.”
Or maybe it’s like politics. It’s not the party but those shaping the party. From day one of our democracy, “We the people” have been cautioned against factions. As James Madison warned in The Federalist Papers : №10:
AMONG the numerous advantages promised by a well-constructed Union, none deserves to be more accurately developed than its tendency to break and control the violence of faction. The friend of popular governments never finds himself so much alarmed for their character and fate, as when he contemplates their propensity to this dangerous vice.
But if factions themselves were a malignancy, there would be no civil rights, no #metoo movement, no women’s suffrage. Factions can fuel positive change. However, the people behind them can also fuel hostility and fighting.
So let’s stop accusing cake of dividing America. Cake is inert until eaten. It does nothing until acted upon by teeth and tongue. Consequently, it’s not the cake we should worry about. It’s the people feeding us poison that require our attention.
